Pressure inside me has been building.
My frantic-ness to escape has gotten overwhelming.
I want to run. From me. So where do I go? What do I do? Everywhere I go, I find me chasing after.
Wednesday I started packing my bag for the hospital.
No drawstrings in the pants, no shoe laces. No string bookmarks in books and nothing sharp.
I hate, I mean, hate that I know what to pack and how to pack for the behavioral health wing of the hospital, but there you have it.
My friend came and took the girls home with her.
Hubby asked me to just wait until he could get home. So I ran out and treated myself to some unhealthy fast food and paced the house waiting for him.
Mind you, I wasn't, nor am I, exactly suicidal. I know I need help. I am dancing on the edge of hell. I had called my doctor, several times, she couldn't help until Tuesday. I knew I couldn't dance that long. So, I was prepared to go wherever I needed to in order to get help, to be safe.
Hubby and I talked. Really talked. He came to understand what I mean when I say certain things, I saw how much he truly loves me. I've always known it, but yesterday I saw it.
Really saw it.
He's staying home with me today and the doctor moved up my appointment to this morning.
To be honest, my bag still sits packed. I don't know when it will be unpacked. For right now it is ready in case I lose the strength to keep up the dance at the edge of hell, in case I can't back up from where I dance, enough to be safe.
I am safe right now. I know how much I am loved. I have a little more strength to go on.
If you, or someone you know, is suicidal or struggling, it is not uncommon this time of year, please reach out. There are many places that offer help and support. I know there are resources here on Project Semicolon and there are others, such as GetHelp.
If this is an emergency, or if you are worried that you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, please call your local authorities (911), contact a mental health professional, or call and talk to someone at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).